||[Dec. 17th, 2006|01:07 am]
Perhaps it was the pounding, rave-like electronic music in the car on the way home that rustled up this feeling that I need to come to terms with something I've been hiding from myself for a very long time. I keep telling myself that it's irrelevant now, but I can't help but think that I'm burying troublesome memories instead of drawing lessons from them.
One of my greatest regrets throughout my lifetime was not going to E3 when I had the chance. Abe had gone through significant trouble to collect my picture and make up an entire false "game programmer" history for Plasmaworks so I could get in to E3. I didn't go because I had a very short leash around my neck held by a very jealous boyfriend. I gave up my chance because I couldn't be trusted. Untrustable. Now I will never have the chance ever again because E3 will no longer be held.
I remember watching "Back to the Future, Part 2" as a little kid and asking my parents about the scene where Marty's mother is married to an asshole, blaming herself for every time he hit her. "I deserve it", she would say. "Your father needs to be shown respect". It never made sense to me as a kid - how could someone blame themselves for someone else's actions? Just watching the same scene the other day, I was disturbed to find that I could perfectly relate this time. Those words hit very close to home.
My days with Sam were the worst string of days in my life. My spectrum was so skewed that every day that wasn't littered with feelings of anger and shame seemed like heaven, even if they were in reality worse than normal. I believed that relationships were hard - and it would take a lot of determination on my part to keep it working. Though my determination was never met half-way and most of the time I was left out in the cold.
This semester, I met someone who lied as well as Sam did. I found myself seething with deep-rooted hatred for someone I had only met several weeks ago. I found myself growing ugly inside, secretly rooting for his failure in everything. I cheered beyond reasonable tact when I found out he may be getting expelled. Hate seemed to bubble up within me even though I have never been happier in my life. I realize now that I need to re-address old memories with my newfound sense of self. I need to free myself of this hatred in my soul.
My first penance will be to pay off an old debt. A few years ago, I was in a car accident. I was turning left and it was my fault. But the car I was driving belonged to Sam's dad (a shady used car dealer) who refused to give up the insurance information on it because of some shady reason or another. I have been consciously avoiding paying it because of my feeling that I shouldn't be paying it at all. But not paying a debt that has been assigned to my name doesn't morally prove anything, and the first step to freedom of hatred is to sever the last of the grips that his influence has over me.
My second penance is to come to terms with the fact that I am a strong individual now, incapable of being taken advantage of any longer. I tell myself this almost every day, but it's time I start believing it. I shouldn't hate him because I'm hardened now - I could almost thank him. I love myself and who I've become because of my experiences.
I am in a very happy place in my life right now - I've never been more happy and I'm mulling over the prospect of making it permanent. I've been shown that relationships don't necessarily need to be difficult, in fact the best ones come so very easily. If both parties are willing, love can be very beautiful. I am willing to rid myself of hate.