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Back to Regular Diet, Day 2 [Mar. 11th, 2007|08:09 am]
Interestingly Enough
[Tags|]
[mood |contentcontent]

So I've been putting this off for a few days now - confessing to my journal that I've given up. But reason and logic and Matt will not let me continue cleansing after the situation that happened on Friday.

I woke up Friday morning at 5:30am or so, and the laxtea had kicked in. So I hopped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. When I reached the bathroom, I began to see floating purple dots in my vision like I was about to pass out. And I fell forward, onto the wall - scraping my chin on the light switch. From there it's sort of a blur. I remember a strong ringing in my ears and vaguely hearing Matt calling knocking and asking if I was ok. I distinctly remember trying to answer "Yes", but couldn't get the words to form. When I came to, I was in the hallway and looking up at Matt's tearing eyes.
So we spent all morning in the E.R. and I immediately drank some orange juice when I was given the chance. I told the Triage Nurse about my Master Cleanse diet and he told me to not believe everything I read on the internet, sort of the answer I expected. So they did some bloodwork on me and found I was totally fine, except for being a tad dehydrated (probably the laxtea). So I've come to the conclusion that the Master Cleanse diet isn't inherently dangerous, but I just don't do well with any kind of fasting - and it's not for me.

But if a stronger person than I would like to try it (Abe), I will give a word of caution:
-Stop drinking the laxtea and saltwash when you get any form of diarrhea.
-Always be careful when getting up from sitting or standing.

So instead of a physical cleansing, I'm going to try my hand at a spiritual cleansing and go to church this morning.
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Evening Recap [Mar. 7th, 2007|05:55 pm]
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So I've survived my first lunch outing with friends. Abe gave me an interesting tip: Don't sit there all feeling sorry for yourself, think about how they can't control their psychological needs and how much better you feel. So although I don't enjoy thinking about how much better I am than everyone else, in this case this mental state seems to work for me. So I'm picking it up!

So far, overall I feel extremely good. I woke up early, had a little time to think, lavishly making my way through my morning.

Come six o'clock, however, I think about food. I sort of look up at the clock and think about potatoes. It's become a mind-game. I think about how much I'd love to eat a bowl of potatoes, and then think about how wretched I would feel that I left myself down. My happy compromise is how good those potatoes are going to taste in 14 days, when I will be worthy of indulging.

So today I was having an interesting conversation (at lunch) about religious fasting. Many religions think of fasting as a way of achieving spiritual growth or a way to relate to the poor and hungry. If you think about it, food really does tie you to the material world and it's never regarded as a spiritual experience. Countless times I've heard people describe biting into an exquisite meal and feeling an "orgasmic" sensation - but never a "spiritual" experience. So perhaps this is my opportunity to grow spiritually as well.
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Master Cleanse, Day 1 [Mar. 7th, 2007|06:52 am]
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[Tags|]
[mood |excitedexcited]

I'm not used to waking up at 5am for anything, but surprisingly today I felt fine. I remember the laxative tea kicking my ass last time I attempted to cleanse, but today I feel great! If I feel like this every day, then I will have no trouble at all completing the cleanse! How refreshing!

I woke up to a multitude of wonderfully encouraging words from my friends - thanks, guys! Hannah, my personal Master Cleanse guru who's completed the cleanse several times wrote me a magnificently inspiring message about her general ideas and feelings on the cleanse. For everyone who is interested, it is here: Hannah's Blog Entry Thanks, Hannah! Your strong words will keep me going when I'm inevitably feeling low.

So I've begun the ritual this morning. Lemons smell and feel so fresh, especially these organic-grown ones. I've prepared the day's worth of lemonade-concoction:

A day's worth of cleansonade (For a 130lb person):
-12 tbsp fresh lemon juice (took about 7 or 8 organic lemons hand-juiced) (New Frontiers)
-12 tbsp Grade B Organic Maple Syrup (New Frontiers)
-60oz distilled water (Safeway)
-1/10 tsp (a dash) of cayenne pepper powder

So my very first unpleasant experience on the cleanse: Drinking the ocean. I don't remember chugging the sea-salt water last time being the worst of all my experiences...but it really is. I try to comfort myself with beautiful visions of the ocean waves crashing over the shores as I rid myself of impurities. The ocean has its way of evening itself out - even oil spills are dispursed by the ocean over time. The thought of swimming in the ocean keeps me going during this awful phase.

Well, I'm looking forward to being healthier and looking better! I don't remember being this excited about starting the cleanse last time, but I'm entirely fired up! The ocean can't stop me.
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Master Cleanse, Day 0 [Mar. 6th, 2007|05:14 pm]
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[Tags|]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

So I'm going to begin the Stanley Burroughs' "Master Cleanse" tomorrow: A strict diet cleanse with just lemonade, maple syrup and cayenne pepper to clean the body of parasites and toxins. A friend of mine had successfully completed it and felt better. I've also heard from publications that it can actually have an impact on your food cravings - less sugar, salt, fats, processed foods - after you've finished it.
A few months ago I made an unsuccessful attempt at the Master Cleanse. I gave up after a full day and felt very strange. I'm willing to make a second attempt for the sake of science and my own personal growth.

I expect to have a very tough first few days of the Master Cleanse. From my prior experience, I'm going to need to be stronger this time and remember the goals of why I'm starting this to begin with:
-Increase my focus, especially in difficult subjects.
-Hone my memory skills
-Rid myself of a toxins from a lifetime of eating processed foods
-Re-align my digestive tract
-Improve my skin (acne)
-Change my food cravings from fatty foods to healthy vegetables.
-Personal growth - can I endure suffering for better overall health?

So I've read through a few online journals of master-cleanse-survivors and they all suggested a journal would be extremely helpful as a motivator. If I can keep track of how I'm feeling throughout the cleanse and look back at why I started this when I'm having trouble, I may have a better chance of seeing it through to the very end. Plus I know Matt will probably not be doing this with me, and it will be even harder if I don't have a nice journal to keep myself on track.

I'm excited to begin tomorrow! I am awaiting the inevitable challenges that will most certainly arise. Bring it on!
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Regrets [Dec. 17th, 2006|01:07 am]
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[Tags|, , ]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Perhaps it was the pounding, rave-like electronic music in the car on the way home that rustled up this feeling that I need to come to terms with something I've been hiding from myself for a very long time. I keep telling myself that it's irrelevant now, but I can't help but think that I'm burying troublesome memories instead of drawing lessons from them.

One of my greatest regrets throughout my lifetime was not going to E3 when I had the chance. Abe had gone through significant trouble to collect my picture and make up an entire false "game programmer" history for Plasmaworks so I could get in to E3. I didn't go because I had a very short leash around my neck held by a very jealous boyfriend. I gave up my chance because I couldn't be trusted. Untrustable. Now I will never have the chance ever again because E3 will no longer be held.

I remember watching "Back to the Future, Part 2" as a little kid and asking my parents about the scene where Marty's mother is married to an asshole, blaming herself for every time he hit her. "I deserve it", she would say. "Your father needs to be shown respect". It never made sense to me as a kid - how could someone blame themselves for someone else's actions? Just watching the same scene the other day, I was disturbed to find that I could perfectly relate this time. Those words hit very close to home.

My days with Sam were the worst string of days in my life. My spectrum was so skewed that every day that wasn't littered with feelings of anger and shame seemed like heaven, even if they were in reality worse than normal. I believed that relationships were hard - and it would take a lot of determination on my part to keep it working. Though my determination was never met half-way and most of the time I was left out in the cold.

This semester, I met someone who lied as well as Sam did. I found myself seething with deep-rooted hatred for someone I had only met several weeks ago. I found myself growing ugly inside, secretly rooting for his failure in everything. I cheered beyond reasonable tact when I found out he may be getting expelled. Hate seemed to bubble up within me even though I have never been happier in my life. I realize now that I need to re-address old memories with my newfound sense of self. I need to free myself of this hatred in my soul.

My first penance will be to pay off an old debt. A few years ago, I was in a car accident. I was turning left and it was my fault. But the car I was driving belonged to Sam's dad (a shady used car dealer) who refused to give up the insurance information on it because of some shady reason or another. I have been consciously avoiding paying it because of my feeling that I shouldn't be paying it at all. But not paying a debt that has been assigned to my name doesn't morally prove anything, and the first step to freedom of hatred is to sever the last of the grips that his influence has over me.

My second penance is to come to terms with the fact that I am a strong individual now, incapable of being taken advantage of any longer. I tell myself this almost every day, but it's time I start believing it. I shouldn't hate him because I'm hardened now - I could almost thank him. I love myself and who I've become because of my experiences.

I am in a very happy place in my life right now - I've never been more happy and I'm mulling over the prospect of making it permanent. I've been shown that relationships don't necessarily need to be difficult, in fact the best ones come so very easily. If both parties are willing, love can be very beautiful. I am willing to rid myself of hate.
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Names linked to souls? [Mar. 29th, 2006|03:36 pm]
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So I was googling my name today, and I came across my name in the funeral home records of some place out in Virginia.
I wondered if maybe (most likely) it was sheer coincidence that she died about a year before I was born. For those who believe in reincarnation, does a soul birth again with the same name?
Name is just a social status. It tells other people what culture you are from and how well off your family is. But what if it also labelled your soul? Would you be the same person with a different name? A different name would mean people could assume different things about you. If someone can't pronounce your name, they assume you're foreign. If you have a name like Wallace, people will assume you're of high (royal) class.
How do you identify a soul if not by a name?
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Stream of Consciousness [Mar. 25th, 2006|11:43 am]
Interestingly Enough
[mood |thirstythirsty]

Bang the siphoned top, she said, above the ragtop marmelade.
Sever quintessential longing quaint and dainty raining.
Feverishly clarifying to roast a growing meaning.
Park and Ride the frothy dream but never truly seeing.
Upward vacant stares she gave apparently deceiving.
Dock and pedal among the settled above and for the scheming.
Faithless hurry and mob thy some said average lifespan.
Charismatically yonder drain grappling on the starting phase.
Tied up and falsely crying, she likes that sort of thing.
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AP Calculus Rocks! [Apr. 28th, 2004|03:18 pm]
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Life is full of third derivatives...integrate to make them functional.




.ln(mower).
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the girl who dreams in japanese. [Jan. 9th, 2004|03:30 am]
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[mood |apatheticapathetic]

just as the dependants call upon God in times of need, the lonely girl brushes the cobwebs from her dusty recollections.

she rubs her eyes in weariness; leaves her writing to drift off into esoteric obscurity.

can't be intimate with a stranger.








give up, little girl. go home.
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holding hands with a cactus named lynn. [May. 1st, 2003|11:12 pm]
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An old English countryhome backlit with an ivory ambiance.
"At her work," the old barmaid declared, rather profusely in contrast to the carefully blended surroundings. The boy threw up his hands, nearly knocking his baseball cap off in the process.

The world takes on a pale blue hue. An ancient cerrulean, not a simple baby blue of a preteen girl's favored colour. A rather romanesque, historical substance to it. You feel as if you are looking into history when the light hits your eyes.

.bang.

the shotgun is released backwards and the fallen bird's corpse falls upward into the palm tree.

The pale blue is playing games now. Games like lovers play when they are overwhelmed with the initial confusion and curiosity. She's trying to release herself back into the sky, where she belongs. She's trying to leave the world with only her faded memory. Blue is only a memory. White. White, ivory oval sounds blanketed in waterfalls.
I'm shaking hands with an oval.
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